Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
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PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.