Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
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Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food