Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
You Might Also Like
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.