Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus

Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”