Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

Broom by every window for quick escape.

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?