Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
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6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.