Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
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Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.