Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
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Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
they see me scrollin
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
That’s what I call a flat tire
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water