me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
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6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.