me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
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Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
you will never know the true number of layers
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea