Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

*me in the shower*

My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.

Me: WHAT!

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.