Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
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One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon