me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
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Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.