me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
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the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.