Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

[first day as magician]

Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

The 6 types of sex

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

finally found a reasonable question

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.