Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together