Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
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I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.