Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

My dream car is a taco truck.

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.