Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
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My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Asking the real questions!
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name