Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:

you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”

“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.