Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
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Anarchy
You know after that whole Humpty Dumpty thing, anytime something broke in the kingdom, haters would say, “Why don’t we let the horses take a look?”
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.