Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
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*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
the red hot silly peppers
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.