Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
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DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
$3 #books
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!