Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes

Basically.

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*

Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet

Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry