Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
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My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
no one likes gloating
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
British people be like I’m Bri ish
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
What about second breakfast?
