Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
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[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.