Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
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I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.