Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.

2025 me is pissed off about it.

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

Today’s Times

monday

😂😂😂😂😂😂

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…