me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
You Might Also Like
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
What the hell happened in there??
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess