Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.