@DrakeGatsby

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

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@i_Lean

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.

@FredTaming

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

@KeetPotato

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

@roxiqt

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

@DirtMcTurd

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.

@simoncholland

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

@TheToddWilliams

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

@tnylgn

Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you’re more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca

@ArfMeasures

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather