@DrakeGatsby

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

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@Donna_McCoy

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

@aissalanis

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.

@dethbycofee

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

@anerdonfire2

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

@SaddestFinger

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

@daemonic3

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

@Underchilde

Bring spoiled food to work enough and your coworkers eventually stop eating anything with your name on it.

@schumoo

That’s the most unappetizing cheeseburger I’ve ever seen

@LoveNLunchmeat

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.