me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

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Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.


Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.


stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society


Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.


how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26


[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative


Bring spoiled food to work enough and your coworkers eventually stop eating anything with your name on it.


That’s the most unappetizing cheeseburger I’ve ever seen


Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.