me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
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me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!