Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
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Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?