ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
You Might Also Like
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are