ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
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Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
💯😂
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday