ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
![]()
You Might Also Like
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
File under excellent bookstore names.
![]()
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Said the murderer.
![]()
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
🔦🌙👣
![]()
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.