me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
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I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I have questions??
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Covert ops
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?