me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
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There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
What?
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting