Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

Me typing: univrsity

Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.

Me: Haha oops.

Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”

Me: Why would I say that?

Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

Happy Febuary everyone!

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.