Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.

That

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore