Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
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doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Cats (2019)
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.