Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
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I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Just did a big green poo by a canal
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet