Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
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Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.