Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

Respect

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.