Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.


Husband: Where’d my stick go?

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HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !


Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.


I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.


If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash


Until I started experiencing insomnia I had no idea it was possible to be this furious with each of my pillows individually


Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.


Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.


I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!