Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
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ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
me irl
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
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You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
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WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
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When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
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It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.