@mommajessiec

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

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@CAshmanActor

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

@DTelf

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

@SadieSkyNinja

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

@STOTLE

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

@morninggloria

Until I started experiencing insomnia I had no idea it was possible to be this furious with each of my pillows individually

@ndiquote

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

@curlycomedy

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

@FattMernandez

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!