Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.


Husband: Where’d my stick go?

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(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*


My tweets are like a crack head with a shopping cart. No one knows where I’m going with it.


I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.


Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.


Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring


Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is


your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice


I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”