is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
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My tweets are like a crack head with a shopping cart. No one knows where I’m going with it.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Is this thing on?
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”