@mommajessiec

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

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@TheTimmyToes

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

@MythoCreature

My tweets are like a crack head with a shopping cart. No one knows where I’m going with it.

@RexHuppke

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

@nedostup

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

@XplodingUnicorn

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

@MrYeager2

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

@maxlavergne

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”