ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
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It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.