Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus

NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

HERE’S MARKY

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what