ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
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I have two kinds of followers
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET