Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
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Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
All is fair in drunk and war.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
They’re really bad with fonts.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what