Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

British websites use biscuits.

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*