Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.

Murder suspect: Me?

Me: Ahah, so you confess!

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

“Morning, how was your weekend?”

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN

*watching John Wick*

Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me