Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
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Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
*launders Kohls cash*
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!