Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
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New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.