Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS

*breaks glass*

*a glazed honey ham pops out*

“Nice nice”

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Support your local cemetery

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again