Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.