me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
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Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.