me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
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*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.