me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
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Many hands make light work
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
stop
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd