ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
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My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Who chose this font
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I don’t want to brag but I found a recipe online, and then within *three weeks* not only made the recipe, but closed the tab on my browser
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.