ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
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My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock