ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
You Might Also Like
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I’m a self-made hundredaire
R.I.P.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Beauty and the Beast
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing