Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not all heroes wear capes…

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

It’s the weekend y’all

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

Memoirs of a Fish Stick

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

August 8

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you