me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
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The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Oh thanks BBC.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Couple goals
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy