Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

is this meant to deter me

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.

looking for a job in america is kinda wild