Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

(Jupiter –

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

That time Alicia messaged me

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

These are so Plastic Man-core

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

me linking you to my twitter