Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.

Introverts: Praise Jesus!

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination