Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.