Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
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Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
