Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…

(whispers) boop your nose?

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.