Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

🫡

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.

Damn what did I do next

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker