Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

so much to do

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

My phone: Would you like to save this password?

Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

Printer ink is expensive

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

Bruh

new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.