Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.

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They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.